Vol. 25 - Getting on the Same Page as Your Partner Financially
Tips for sharing and discussing finances with your significant other. We discuss:
Commingling money
Getting in alignment and finding common ground
Understand your and your partner’s money identity
Share what’s important to you, don’t expect your partner to read your mind
Tips on having money conversations
Creating annual, semi-annual, and quarterly goals
We want to hear from you! If you have money questions or if you want us to assess your finances, please complete this form.
Stay connected:
To read the full show notes, visit https://www.nursesonfirepodcast.com/cfp
How to subscribe, rate and review a podcast
To learn more about the giveaway, click here
Subscribe & Review
Love this episode? Please subscribe and leave a review on your favorite podcast platform.
TRANSCRIPT:
Naseema McElroy: [00:00:00] All right, Nurses on Fire. We are back with our wonderful certified financial planner, Lisa Peterson. And today we are going to be discussing getting on the same page with your partner financially. Hey Lisa.
Leisa Peterson: [00:00:13] Hello.
Naseema McElroy: [00:00:16] All right, Lisa. I look to you as a role model because you are, you're just phenomenal in all kinds of ways, but, you've been married for quite some time, and I know that you've.
Along your, just course of becoming a millionaire, have gone through some financial ups and downs and your husband has been there with you. And I want to know how you were able to successfully navigate money conversations and getting on the same page financially with your husband. so you start there.
Leisa Peterson: [00:00:47] Yeah. That's, it's a great place to start. I was sharing, recently and you may have heard it, the fact that. When we first got together for many years, until we had children, we kept our money separate. And I was really focused on having lots of money and he wasn't so focused on it. So I did not feel like that was okay.
Good arrangement for us to commingle. Cause I'm like, I'm going to work a lot. I'm going to S. Save a lot, then we'll keep it separate. But once we had children, I found how hard that was pretty fast and we commingled. And so we've been commingled my daughter about to turn 23. So for 23 years, we have commingled our finances.
However, I think that part of looking back, I just want listeners and folks to, to understand that when you know, so that you are in alignment with somebody that you have somewhat similar patterns of behavior was spending and saving, it's going to be far different than when you enter a relationship
Leisa Peterson: And you've got very, very different ways of being with money. And so, so for my husband and I, we were, close enough, we were close enough that we could find common ground. And so maybe we just start the conversation there of like, if you don't and, and I'll just share it over the years, I've worked with a lot of couples and.
They come to me because money's not working. They, it's not just because my specialty is, it's not just the dollar. Yeah. In sense. It's also like there's something wrong. Like maybe one partner is suffering from depression or a lot of times, like I can think of one couple in particular, he had always supported the family and she was more stay at home.
Mom. And the problem was, was that he had been taught that money and his ability to pay for everything was part of his identity. And then the problem too was when my money was coming in, he had his own business, everything was awesome. They spent a lot of money, but when money was drying up or when there was hardship and he wasn't making the money, he collapsed like for not being able to.
Do what he was expecting himself to do. And then because she was used to just spending it, not necessary, verily saving it. And so all of this stuff was bubbling up because all of a sudden they realized that not only did they have a money problem, they also had some beliefs inside that needed to be dealt with because.
As long as he thought that the way that he was proving his love was through money. And then over here, she actually had the reverse belief, which is as long as you're giving me stuff, then you love me that dynamic was blowing things up because once the money ran out, they felt like, well, what are we going to do?
He felt bad. She felt bad. And I'm just explaining this because. I want people to know that if you are out, if sometimes we find partners because they're our greatest and hardest teachers, and so struggling with one thing, and you got the mere belief on the opposite side, it can be really tough to get out of a problem and just pay attention to it
You know, you may want to read my book. You may want to look into some of the things I teach, because it isn't always as simple as we'd like, however. Sometimes it's simple. One person spends more than the other person, and you really have to communicate about this. Like you have to be comfortable sharing what's going on for you be self aware enough about your own challenges with money and give voice to.
and then also ask your partner to do the same. Hey, I get a lot of satisfaction. I feel better when I spend money. I am inspired when I spend money, like speak, give voice to it, and then you'll probably hear your partner. That's the case for you? Say yes. Yeah, it stresses me out when you do that. Right. I don't like it when you do that.
And then all of a sudden, you've got this healthy conversation going on rather than default avoid conflict at all costs or something. Does any of this matter?
Naseema McElroy: [00:05:07] Yeah, it makes total sense, but I love how it all comes down to like our identity and like who we're being and who we're showing up as, because that's
what your money is going to reflect. Right. How you show up and that's how you spend your money. And so I like that, everything is brought back to that level and usually that's where the problem can be solved. Right. yeah, it all makes sense. It all makes sense to just start there.
So you can start having that conversation and knowing it's not like. You know, like Dave Ramsey always says like, Oh, there's a spender. And then there's a saver, but really it's like, whatever money stories that you grew up with and how that's played out in your adult life to form how you think about money.
And so it's not always as straight forward, but once you recognize that you're able to hone in on that, then you can start having honest conversations to kind of get on the same page. So, yeah, I love it.
Leisa Peterson: [00:06:03] I think one of the, let's talk about presence for a second, because I think this is a very interesting conversation where, and I see this come up over and over again.
So for me, I used to get, my parents spent too much on presence. Like they actually would get us into financial trouble because they felt like they needed to give, give, give what they didn't even have. Okay. So I grew up from a place of like giving gets you into trouble. Like there was a belief that it's like, When people are buying me gifts, I get worried.
Like, did you spend too much? Like, I'm very, I feel more comfortable just saying, buying my own gifts. So my family kind of knows that they're like, she wants something. She's going to go get it, but she's not going to wait for somebody else to buy it for her. That's just me. But when you're in a partnership, And one person believes that love comes through gifts.
And if you don't know, you understand that, or you haven't talked about it. Even the person who feels like this is happening, you can imagine how you can get in trouble, lots of trouble, because it's like, you didn't buy me that gift. You should have bought me that gift. You know, like I was waiting for you, you, first of all, never, ever.
Ever expect people to read your mind. You tell your partner, I love receiving gifts. In fact, I'll be really happy if you give me flowers once a month or whatever it is, like be vocal about that and the no problems. But if you just wait for them to read your mind about something that makes you really, really happy, you're diminishing your power to create the happiness you want. And just by sharing, what's important to you and vice versa. The other person may be like, I get worried when I buy gifts all the time, I feel like I'm wasting money, you know? So all of a sudden, another great conversation opener.
Naseema McElroy: [00:07:48] Yeah. I really liked that. I really liked that. What really struck home to me was yeah. Not expecting people to read your mind. And I think that's what we do on all aspects of it. Relationships sometime like we don't speak up or sometimes we have the internal conversation so much, we think we're saying it out loud, but we really don't and people just don't know what they don't know.
And so giving someone the opportunity to actually know what you like or what things kind of set you off or what things, you know, Create like this kind of fear or resentment. I think that that's like super important is important to have those conversations. So along those lines, of just like speaking up and telling people and not expecting them to read your mind, what are some, like if you were to give like a couple of tips like that, every couple shift follow, when it comes to having money conversations, what would that be?
Leisa Peterson: [00:08:46] First of all communication, been regular communication and depending on how tight money is, the more common those conversations to should take place. So if you are budgeting on a monthly basis to figure out how to pay for all your expenses, you should be having a conversation once a week with your partner about where are we what's going on?
How can we make sure it make this work like. That I think the struggle is going to dictate how frequently you've talked, but at a minimum once a month, checking in and saying, Hey, you know, who's, you know, maybe dividing up. Roles and responsibilities. Let's say we've already set that up. So we know like I check and make sure that the, that the bank account has enough money in it.
I'm making sure that these bills are paid. You're making sure that these bills are paid like super crystal clear. Who's responsible for what. And how are we going to make sure there's an accountability process? And if there's any trust issues where somebody takes something on, but you actually don't trust that they're going to do it, then you're going to take that and own it yourself and say, Hey, it's going to make me happy.
If I can go in, you know, I'm going to you to do it on this date and I'm going to go in the next day and make sure it's done, because until we do this for several months in a row, and I know it's all taken care of, I can't take that risk. You know, like. Maybe someone's irresponsible. They're not the ones that should be assigned certain duties.
Naseema McElroy: [00:10:19] I know that there are a lot of couples that come to me that are kind of like having this awakening, right. Just like, I know what it's like.
Cause I had this awakening like, Oh my God, like. These are things that I can implement right now in order to do better with my finances, to other people, they may seem extreme. So it's like they're having this awakening and then their partner is just like, wait, but I thought we were okay. Like, you know, because we're normal, like we're not.
You know, broke or we're not in a really bad place financially and I'm kind of comfortable, so why, should I be making these kinds of adjustments? And usually it's those conversations that are really hard to have because you know, you're not struggling. Right.
Leisa Peterson: [00:11:04] Yes, that's true. I think the other thing that even, you know, I'm sort of reverse engineering because I've been doing this for so long, but one thing I could add to it is let's make sure that as part of that communication, we're both on the same page about what's the goal.
Like have annual goals, have semi-annual goals, have quarterly goals and ways that you can both check in and be like, are we meeting the goal? how do we do, you know? So if it's monthly or quarterly or whatever, like to look at the big picture, Hey, our net worth. And you're tracking all of these things was okay.
I love net worth all the time. So net worth January one, you know, net worth March 31st. It's an estimate, but we're like we're going in the right direction, even though that didn't work out or that didn't work out in my husband. And I, you know, we in any given moment might have four or five or more different investments.
And I think you've got the same thing going on. Happening in our lives. And so we like diversification, because it's, it's yin and yang ebb and flow one, thing's doing great. And another isn't, but like keeping track track of all of those things, it's super important that we both have our own ideas of the goals of what we're trying to achieve.
And then are we actually getting there and checking in on that? So those are happier, often happier conversations then maybe the like budgeting ones. But, you know, finally I did it for years and then several years ago I will share this. My husband came to me and he said, I don't have any freaking clue what's going on with our money.
And, and he's like, I am, that makes me really sad. If he makes me feel kind of like emasculated, like I don't, you you've taken it all on. And I was like, Oh, it was not my intention. I thought I was doing you a favor. I thought you didn't really like doing it. So, cause I just naturally do it. And I was like, you can take on whatever you want.
And he's like, Oh, I was like, you want to take stuff fun? And he's like, yes. How's like, You can have it. Like, I don't really want it actually. And so literally he has taken it on and like, Oh my gosh, the best thing ever. Like he loves it. He loves, he's got everything set up automatically checks in. I'm sort of the big picture and he's the specifics and it works, but like he only happened in the past Lake.
Three or four years after 30, you know, 30 years together.
Naseema McElroy: [00:13:40] Yeah. I think it's good to see that because it's the evolution. Like people think that things have to happen overnight and they don't, it takes time. It takes time, just like it takes time to really like, know your partner. Right. It takes time to work through these money issues.
And so I hope that gives people a little bit of relief to know that, you know, even after like some years, like it'll all work. Out. but it is important to be on the same page. And I think it's important. I like to go back to the goals that you were talking about. A lot of times people just don't have collective goals.
And I think that, we can like jazz it up a little bit and say maybe dreams, right? Like you guys can dream together and put together a plan of what your best life would look like. And then break that apart into little, you know, goals. That you can meet to get there. And I think that, you know, yeah, that is a much sexier conversation than just blind by line going through the budget because even though I love it, I love looking at my budget.
I love nerding out. I know what was going to get my partner and motivated. Seeing how much money this can bring in and how much we don't have to work later. Right. And so he's not gonna, he's not the nickel and dime or I am. And so just understanding, and I like, how you mentioned, like he's really into the details and you're really into the big picture.
And so just finding each other's strengths. but yeah, all good information. And I think, I should give people hope that. They can do it. It is possible. And it may take some time, but I think that getting on the same page with your partner financially is one of the things like one of those pillars of financial freedom.
one of the steps, I mean, like getting there, I feel like. Lifts some weight off your shoulders. Could you, you're not doing it alone. And when you're not doing things alone, you know, that you can reach your goals exponentially faster. And so, yeah, I think that these were some good story.
Leisa Peterson: [00:15:43] We remember the stories more than we do that. Like, Oh, do this and do that and do this.
Naseema McElroy: [00:15:50] Yeah. And that's how I like to share, because I feel like it makes it more relatable and people can see themselves in stories. And so, you know, I know people will take away some good stuff from this, and I appreciate you as always. Lisa. Thank
Leisa Peterson: [00:16:03] you. Yeah. Thank you everybody.
Hey there I’m Naseema
My dream is for everyone to know that financial independence is attainable with a little intentionality. Learn how I can help you finally break the cycle of living paycheck to paycheck.
Join the Facebook Community
Join the Financially Intentional community and get access to resources to guide you on the path to Financial Freedom.
Watch these Videos To Learn How to…
Keep Listening
Here are some more episodes you may enjoy…
In this episode, we'll explore why disability insurance is important, how it works, and why it's important to have coverage.