Financial Intentionality in Love and Money - Episode 64
Today, we're chatting with our guest, Karina Daves, about something super important—how sometimes, in families, one person might earn more money than the other, and that's okay! We'll talk about my own experiences being the one who brings home the bacon, and why it's cool to talk openly about money with the people we love. We'll also hear from a super smart friend who knows a lot about getting along better with our partners, especially when it comes to money.
About our guest:
Karina Davis is a Relationship Coach dedicated to helping women break the cycle of arguing with their partners to foster more intimacy and bridge the communication gaps in their families. She is passionate about radically transforming the lives of her clients, not just for the immediate impact on their relationships but for the benefit of future generations, including their children and grandchildren. With a strong conviction rooted in her faith, Karina believes she is on a divine mission to heal relationships, break generational curses, and promote the well-being of children, bodily health, financial healing, and an unbreakable understanding between her clients and their partners.
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TRANSCRIPT:
Naseema: [00:00:00] What's up? My financially intentional people. I am joined by Karina days, and we are going to talk about being the breadwinner in your relationship. You may or may not know this, but in pretty much every relationship I've been in, in my adult years, I've always been the breadwinner and that's affected me in divorces, plural, because technically I've been divorced twice.
And it's one of those things that is always brought up. And one of those things that's always kind of like, Oh, I would never take your money. I would never do this. I understand. But then when, it comes all down to it and we're in the quiet room or we have to go back and forth, it always is a point of intention.
And so in future relationships and going forward, the thing that I want to do is be able to have open and honest conversations and to be able to plan around that. In the shape of a prenup, a partnership agreement, wherever that might be in my next serious [00:01:00] relationship. But it's always great to talk to people who have, the context around how we do this.
Like, how do we have those conversations? And so Karina is a relationship expert that can help us work through these things. So how are you today?
Karina Daves: I'm doing so good and the seamen I actually had such a great intro conversation just for a couple of minutes and I literally told her I like talking to you because I do. And I think, it's so interesting when you find other women that have similar stories, it feels like, wow, I just. Found the gumball I was looking for out of the hundred.
And it's just this type of connection. And I'm so happy we're doing this episode because talking about this subject is one that I talk about only with myself and my partner. And it's really, really nice that we're doing this and we're serving as a platform for other people to hear us out.
Mm
Naseema: Yeah. Yeah, I think it's an important conversation to have and it's something that I know so many people don't do. We know that financial [00:02:00] issues are the number one thing that lead people to break up. But before we dive into all this, I just want to know like what your background is, how you got into like relationship coaching, tell us all about that.
Karina Daves: Okay, here goes. So I was in social work for over 14 years specifically in higher ed and then I was a professor for women and gender studies teaching women's global leadership for five years and about three years ago, maybe going on four. I walked into the room that we're actually in and I was praying and I was about nine months pregnant and I felt the Holy spirit tell me to clean this room because this room would be a lab for many women.
And I was like that's awkward. I don't know what that means, but I have to be obedient. So I hired a painter, got the room cleaned up, gotten like a very much like Ikea kitchen counter, put it on two desks and my husband was like you love talking, so maybe you should start a podcast.
He bought me a podcast. Mike. And at the time, which we'll get into later, my husband was actually building his race car. He's a race car [00:03:00] driver. And and I was actually supporting him in his dream. And cause he was the breadwinner. Yeah, this is interesting. And I had my full time job and I just started a podcast at the time, just wanting to feature women on how they were balancing all of their relationships and responsibilities, and I wanted other people to hear these stories and, and.
Then somebody, connected me with a marketing expert. She was like the way that you talk, like you should do Instagram lives. You should do this. And then I got on Instagram. I hadn't been on for two years and I was like, why are people selling? I thought we were just supposed to show our pictures.
Like I had no idea that it had turned into this phenomenon. So then I stopped. And for me I listened some things I am, DIY, but other things, like I'm just gonna pay for somebody to teach me.
Naseema: Mm hmm.
Karina Daves: Like the fast track. So I pay for somebody to teach me all the marketing things. And through that time, she was like, especially you as a social worker, you guys love focus groups.
Maybe you should do a focus group to see if, coaching is for you and all this other stuff. And I was like, yeah, [00:04:00] maybe, because as you, and you've known this as you podcast, you're actually coaching, right? Like you're
consulting, you're giving advice. And she was like, you give such amazing advice, especially as a professor.
Like you just. The way you put together framework for people in the next steps is ideal for somebody that's struggling with this and so then I was doing a lot of framework around boundaries and relationships and friendships and one day I was like, honey Do you want to do a marriage series with me?
And he was like sure I was like we've been through a lot like, and he was like sure So we did a series on marriage for four weeks and it just went on it just took off Like it just took off and when I say took off I only had two weeks 500 followers at the time. And so when I say took off, I was looking at the comments as engagement.
That's my version of taking off. And I was like, there's something here. And then, the rest is history now. It's been three years and I'm here helping women specifically stop arguing with their partners so that they can have more sex. That's
Naseema: Oh That is a killer tagline, honey. I Love that. I love that [00:05:00] and I can see why you got took off because people are like that's it.
That's what I need Specifically. Yes. But you're a relationship coach. So just like me, financial expert, right? That means that I have everything figured out. So, does that mean that your relationship is perfect?
Karina Daves: No, we argued yesterday for 40 minutes. And it was just like, like when you, it's people think that, when you have tools and when you argue, it will, take less time. And I'm not saying that it will, it might also take the same amount of time, but the energy is different. So like you ain't cursing each other out or disrespecting each other, calling each other, by other names that you shouldn't be, or saying things that you were resent.
our arguments look very different. Like I think we, oh, we argued yesterday because, I came into the kitchen and I was like, oh are you okay? And my husband was like, yeah, i'm fine And then I walked away and I came back and sometimes I forget that I asked a question You know what I mean? And so I was like, honey, are you okay?
And he was like, yeah, you have to stop asking me [00:06:00] and so then I was like, oh I was like wait, what? And so then we just went back and forth about how I asked too many times if he was okay. And I was like I didn't, I just forgot like whatever. And then something actually wasn't okay. So it's so interesting, right?
When I just let my spirit of offense aside and I just became curious, which is what I teach my clients. It's the hardest thing to do to become curious and not be offended. But yeah, we still argue.
Naseema: love it. And that's the whole thing, i'm still learning about money Like i'm still figuring things out, but it's the intentionality behind how I do it that makes all of the difference, right? And I love having this platform so that I can continue to learn Because it's one of those things is just not something that you can do one time.
Just like in a relationship, you're not going to just have this one healing conversation. And then
your relationship is perfect. It's something that you have to repeat over and over. But from my standpoint, like when I'm in a relationship, there's always this weird [00:07:00] dynamic where I've been the breadwinner.
And the conversation about money and how to handle money and, Oh, I'm not exactly where you're at, but I want this level of respect. There's always like this contention sometimes more obvious and sometimes more overt, but there's always that thing there. So I wanted to talk through like how you navigate those conversations as they come up.
Karina Daves: Yeah, and I can't really give you that advice without telling you my personal testimony like the juicy Everybody wants to know the little bit of a drama So what happened was that when my husband and I got married we were broke like we drove back We didn't have a wedding We paid like 32 to get married in court, and then I think you pay an extra 4 for the copy of your marriage license, right?
Or certificate. And then we didn't have a honeymoon, we went for like a weekend getaway. On the way back, we both looked at our accounts and they were negative. So we were 24, 25 year olds, just we were actually really broke. And [00:08:00] we decided to get married. And when we were married, my husband, Terrence made more money than I did.
He worked as a master auto technician for Nissan for over a decade. And I was really trying to climb the ladder in higher education to become a professor, to become like a director and all those things. And so I remember about, three, four years in, We decided to just like side hustle.
Like we were the couple that was like paving driveways. Like it was the most horrible job to
Naseema: Girl!
Karina Daves: Yes. I know just for an extra five, 600. We did so many bad jobs. Like I cleaned homes. My husband went and worked at the mall. Then I worked at pottery barn at the mall. Like, he worked a lot of side jobs.
We did a lot of just like side gigs just to stack and save. And about maybe six, seven years in, I had a dream and the dream was more so basically I saw my salary and it was double, it was like maybe even more, it was like triple than it felt like. And what I felt like [00:09:00] was that my husband Terrence wouldn't have to work or he would be able to retire from the industry.
Now, I don't know if you guys know. Anybody in the mechanic industry, but it's very difficult on the body. Like you can be 30 and feel like 50. It's very, very bad. And so what ended up happening was I have this dream. I looked at my husband and I was like, listen I really think you should start preparing on transitioning out.
And I really feel like a blessing is going to hit us. Before we even know it and I'm just going to stay hustling, but I really do think that you should get a transition plan. And it's not that like your partners don't like you is that they don't always listen to you. So my husband didn't listen to me, which is fine.
And I brought it up. Maybe like in year we've been married for going on 12 years. So maybe like around year 10 At this point we're still making the same amount of money, right? Around year 10. I'm like, I really feel like it's coming. I'm praying about this I really feel this blessing is coming Lo and behold my friend texts me with an opportunity and she's do you want to transition to?
The tech [00:10:00] world and you would be making almost this amount which is Almost double. And I was like, yeah, yeah. I was like, I went on the interview a week later and within 15 minutes, they hired me, they're like, when can you start? And I was like, I go, I run upstairs and I tell my husband I got the job.
What now? And it was December. And he was like, all right, I'll do what I can. I, he's I'll figure this out. So my husband has a gun license. He goes to a gun shop and there's a guy in the corner and he's talking to the owner and he's telling him like, I'm trying to look for a job. I have to transition out of, the mechanic world because Karina has to commute frequently.
She has to travel a lot for her job and I need to find a job that's going to help me pick up the kids, take care of the kids and all this other stuff. Right now I'll pause here and tell you that up to this point in my marriage, my husband in year. Three or maybe two of our marriage told me that he wanted to be a race car driver.
And I was like, that's so stupid, right? And he was like it's not it's my dream [00:11:00] and I was like I just think it's stupid that you would want to like almost die every single time you did this thing
Naseema: Mm
Karina Daves: I go to an event with my husband and I watch him watch other men do what he wants to do And in that moment, I said I can't be the person that stops him so Then the next day I called life insurance and I upped his life insurance by a lot Because listen you can be a dreamer, but i'm not gonna be Illogical,
Naseema: Okay. Okay.
Karina Daves: So I call the life insurance. So then he says in order for me to pursue this dream I really need to work a lot of late nights and weekends. So we're talking over a course of about five years now I'm supporting Terrence's dream.
I'm the one doing pickups with my kids. I'm the one doing drop offs. I'm spending the weekends by myself I am you know Cooking, like my husband cooks a lot too, but like I'm prepping our dinners. Like I'm the one managing the household, supporting his dream. And in essence, feeling I don't know what I want to do with my life.
But I'm just going to wait for the blessing and work hard in the [00:12:00] meantime. And so fast forward to now I get the tech job. And in the course of that, I was already pursuing my relationship business. And when I got the job, my husband's at the gun shop, the guy in the corner says to him listen, I have a job.
It's at Princeton university, but it don't make much. And he's what are the hours? He's seven to three. He said, I'll take it. And so my husband takes the job and it cuts his salary in half, but financially we're okay. I'm in my office about maybe a couple months later and he comes to my office and he's hey I'm gonna go back to therapy at this point My husband and I had done a lot of couples therapy a lot of individual therapy I was like, what are you going back to therapy for and he's like, I really can't handle not being head of household Like is messing with my ego And you're not the right person to talk to about this and i'm like, you're right.
I'm not i'm not the right person he's like
Naseema: that was super insightful.
Karina Daves: He's because you you love me so you're gonna tell me what [00:13:00] you're gonna tell me it's okay And i'm like, yeah, he's like I need to talk to somebody that's basically gonna Unpack what actually is happening, right? So he goes to therapy for about six months and the summary of that was that it was a lot of confidence it was a lot of confidence and securities, obviously with all those things. And I think one of the biggest things that we learned was that my partner will never be a hundred percent okay. With not being head of household. And I think that for us as women, we want them to be a hundred percent. Okay. And I tell my clients this all the time.
Your okayness cannot depend on your partner being okay, because that's hidden codependency, wanting to make sure that they're okay. So then you can be okay and not be anxious and not be apologetic and not be all these things. But like, how do you be okay in your relationship when your partner isn't okay?
That's a strength right there. And over time, we had to do two things, right? Which is one, we had to redefine what head of household was for us, which is, [00:14:00] our faith. As you can imagine, I've already used the words God and Holy Spirit. So for us, we had to redefine what head of household was.
And so the world sees me have had a household because. I make more money, but spiritually god is really the head of our household and I think When we had that difficult conversation It was like dang like you're right Like no matter what the world says like god is the third knot in our marriage Like god is the head of our household and two, I had to stop trying to fix my husband About something that it is going to be an ongoing thing for him Monday, he may be 100 okay with it by friday He may not, Right.
He may be different, but like, how do you navigate that conversation and relationship when. They have their ups and downs from a place of not trying to fix them But just trying to understand that this is how it may be for your relationship now I'm also talking about a healthy relationship I'm not talking about a partner that throws it in your face or is You know verbally [00:15:00] abusive that's a whole conversation we could talk about I'm simply talking about living with somebody that has been able to Be open to have these conversations and say it's my ego.
It's very difficult for a man to say it's actually my ego
Naseema: I just, first of all, it sounds like you guys have been doing a lot of work within your relationship for him to even have the foresight to be like, I need help. You're not the one to help me and to actually go and get that help. I think that's admirable. And also what you say is that a lot of people would not know how to.
Navigate that and have those feelings may not even know that that's where those feelings are coming from build this resentment and it's underlying in every facet of your relationship and your communication and your intimate moments, like all of those things. And this is just 1 of the things that could happen, but I understand that.
And this is actually the 1st time I've actually thought about Someone is okay with [00:16:00] someone not being okay with something, especially if they're actively working on that and letting that go, especially in coming from a place where you don't understand. Because as women, we're trained to be like, it's okay.
If we're not the head of household, as a matter of fact, it's the expectation that someone else takes care of us. If somebody is struggling with the fact that they're not in that position where they make more, or whatever the definition of head of household is by society, that it's okay for them to feel a certain kind of way.
But the next level is. Now putting in place the tools to be able to deal with that. Man, I really love that.
Karina Daves: Yeah. Yeah. And I think plenty of times, like we're nurtures, right? Like we want to fix our partners. And one of the questions I get, which is completely off topic a lot is like, how do I get my husband to like, remember to do stuff? And I'm like,
first of all, there's, there needs to be accountability, right? Because a lot of [00:17:00] partners are out here saying, how do I get them to change and become somebody that I want them to be? But you knew that they were this way. Can we talk about that for a second? Like you knew. Why did you think the house and the kids and the cars would change anything, right?
And so the first step is the accountability. And then the two is the conversation, which I'll get into about money. The third thing that we had to talk about where our money values, and that was really important for us, right? Because. Money values switch up like we were broke at 24, just hustle and try to save for a home.
And I think now our money values really have changed to what do we value. I would say in the market saving for our kids, vacationing, things of that nature, right? You really have to talk about money values or else you'll continue talking about only the bills.
And it's boring to, you'll never have a lot of sex.
If you only talk about bills, if you want to have sex, if you want to have sex, talk about your money values, fantasize about the farm and what you want to go to and what you [00:18:00] want to see, like you need that. And that's how you'll be able to understand each other because it. Remember miss Cleo, like back in the day, like they're not miss Cleo, right?
they can't read your mind. Like they don't know that you think spending at target is not good. Like you got to talk about your money values and what they
are.
Naseema: Mm hmm. Yeah. I love that. Call me now.
Karina Daves: Huh.
Naseema: Oh, but girl like the whole fixing somebody like I learned that the hard way like people are they are and you have to make sure that you're In a relationship with that person and understand that, that is who they are. And what happens is a lot of times people get into relationships with who they want that person to be.
And how is that ever fair?
Karina Daves: It's not, it's not fair to them. It's not fair to them, and it's interesting because, You , people have asked like, when do you bring up money conversations when you're dating somebody and I'm like, you could bring it up. It's the way you bring it up on the
[00:19:00] first date, right?
You don't got to say what's your portfolio like? You don't have to ask it like that, but you can straight up just be like, what are some things that you've definitely been doing, with your career and sort of the things that you've been creating, like, where have you been like investing your time in that person's going to tell you their hobbies.
They're going to tell you what they're spending money on time is money. They'll tell you what they're spending their money on. So you'll be able to hear that and assess for yourself. Damn, like this guy be buying boats every weekend. Like you'll be able to hear all of that. You'll be able to hear their math money values, but we don't ask those questions.
we just say shut.
Naseema: Yeah, I love that. Many conversations. Like I said I just feel like people again, Are uncomfortable talking about money, period. So having those conversations with a partner is just something that is hard and challenging to do, even though, like I said, we know that's the number 1 cause of breakups of divorce, but you've talked in pre interview about Okay.[00:20:00]
Actually coming up in your relationship. And I know you guys, got married young and y'all both didn't have anything. So obviously if prenup wasn't something that you had on your mind when you got married, cause what, you don't have a prenup for it. But actually in talking to the prenup guy, Aaron, a prenup guy, I know that that's not even what a prenup is and we just have this misconception of what a prenup is.
But anyway, for you guys, this relationship You just brought that up in real time. So I'm interested
in knowing
yeah,
Karina Daves: Yeah, I'm gonna tell you the whole thing. So it wasn't easy. And I'm gonna tell you, I'm gonna tell you how I went on it. How I spoke about it. You're right. We didn't have anything when we were young and we weren't thinking about it. So the year before I got the tech job, or maybe the year I got the job, I can't remember which year my younger sister was diagnosed with blood cancer.
She came and lived with us for two years. She is healed. Praise God. But we had to dip into our savings during that time to take care of her. During [00:21:00] that same period, Terrence became one of the fastest race car drivers in the nation in his league. Like he has groupies. He's very popular.
Like it's bad. And these are, these are male.
Naseema: sis now.
Karina Daves: Talk another language and people love him. And so he's very popular and he's very good at what he does because very little race car drivers actually know how to fix her cars, but Terrence
Naseema: Mm hmm,
Karina Daves: And so anyways, I say all that to say. That up to that point, there was so much support for him. And the last three years, there's been a heavier support for my growing business, for my job in tech. And for all of that
Naseema: mm hmm, aww, yes,
Karina Daves: I had a conversation and I did not choose the right time to talk about it. I chose.
The first time we were driving don't choose to talk about difficult stuff while you're driving. It's just not good And we were going for a long ride and I brought it [00:22:00] up and you know his I remember his response was it hurt his feelings and it made him upset you know that I had brought it up because we're really close and He only knows about pre nups and post nups from a lens that you don't trust the other person And so the way we ended that first conversation was like, listen, the conversation is getting heated.
It's probably not a good idea to continue talking about it. Let's wait for another time. And I was like, you're right. So about maybe a month ago, I brought it up again. And I was like, here's the thing. And I was like, you have built something really valuable. I was like, everything that you have built is worth thousands and thousands of dollars.
And I'm going to just give it to you straight. I can sit here and talk about the mechanics and the mindsets of post-nups. I was like I'm gonna keep it real with you. I really love you. If you were ever to do something, That God forbid, I would not want you to do. I said, a post nup [00:23:00] for me is protecting you from me.
And he was like, what do you mean? I was like, because. If we ever got to a point where you don't know how divorces go down, Naseema just mentioned it like you get to the court And you think you're going to be cordial and then things just go sideways, right? And I was like listen, I love you so much now that I want you to be protected If that ever happens, so i'm protecting you You from me from my future anger from my future, resentment That's what I think about I was like I know you're sitting here thinking that I'm thinking about protecting the business and all this other stuff and I'm like listen the business of The business you helped me built it in the sense of you were there for me and supported me But I'm also thinking about it from protecting you from me And my illogicalness that may come about during that time.
And I think that, that for him was an angle. My husband grew up in Newark, New Jersey. For anybody that knows where Newark, New Jersey is, he's very. Let's just call it straightforward.[00:24:00]
Naseema: Blanked!
Karina Daves: My husband is very straightforward.
And so just think of imagine him working at a very, like bougie mall in Williams Sonoma. And he's the person that greets people and people don't greet him back. He used to follow people in the store. Sir, I said, good morning. That's my husband. Okay. Do you need anything?
Cause I said, good morning when you walked up, I didn't hear what you, did you say something? That's my husband. So he's very straightforward. So sometimes I have to talk to my partner, not as I'm a very soft person. Sometimes I have to talk to my person, my husband in a way that he would understand in the words that he would understand.
When I said it in that angle, everything shifted for him. He was like, Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We should do that,
Because, cause then he saw the benefit, right? Sometimes your partner can't see the benefit, right?
Naseema: Mm hmm
Karina Daves: Yeah, that's how that went down.
Naseema: What so where are you guys at in that process[00:25:00]
Karina Daves: That was like about a month ago. I think right now we're probably just trying to find legal assistance and, move forward. But I think what's important is getting our heart postures aligned with, our minds and our hearts aligned with a decision before we move forward. So he was just like, yeah, let's find somebody that can help us with that.
Naseema: prenups. com, I'm going to do an unpaid plug for prenups. com, yes, in every state. Where is he? He's in Atlanta, but yeah, it's, they have it for pre and post notes for every state there. So if you need resources, there you go. And it actually has like steps that you can have the conversations about all that kind of stuff.
Like he has resources. I'm going to plug him but you did bring up something that also is very important in relationships. And that's like businesses. Like you guys didn't come into your relationship with your respective businesses. And I think it's super important to know that like your partner owns 50 percent of your [00:26:00] business, whether they put in.
Any ounce of effort into that business at all. And that's another element that a lot of people don't understand. I have a good friend who had a real estate business. Her husband had a minimal role in it, but when it came down to, their divorce, it was contentious about this business. Like she had to fight tooth and nail for her to retain her business, which is her under her name and everything, but almost having to resolve her business just because it was part of their divorce.
And so this is something that a lot of people don't think about or talk about. And something that like, when we think about things like prenups, it's something that it helps you work through the possibility of that happening and being able to talk through, like, how you would navigate that.
And it's also the only opportunity for you to set that up so that, you can define what you want to happen in your businesses. [00:27:00] If you were to separate because if you go to most states and by the way, if you don't have a prenup that you have yourself created, you have one, but it's the one that the state created, but they're the only language by, for most states around businesses is that it's 50, 50, and you guys split it how you want to split it.
You guys split it, 50, 50, like you're going to have to pay out whatever, so it's your only way to establish like. This is how I want to take my business out of this relationship. Yeah, I like that. I'm glad that you brought that up because he has his own big old brand over here.
You have your own brand over here. And a lot of times people just don't think about
Karina Daves: yeah, yeah. It's true. And I think the other thing I had brought up, which is very different about my situation is that we have four kids, but two of them are my stepdaughters and I love them. And I think that's what I also brought up in the conversation. I was like, listen you don't [00:28:00] want our God forbid divorce affecting.
What we've built for all these kids, right? And as a dad like I recommend that you protect that right? And he was like, wow Like those two points for him really drove it home and made him see that like i'm not out here trying to just Lock away my money. Like i'm really trying to protect the both of us, you
Naseema: Yes. Yes. And I love that you were able to speak to him in a voice that he understood. And that's the whole thing about like you being a relationship coach. Like, how do you approach the situation? Like, how do you have these difficult conversations? So we talked about being a breadwinner, but in general, I, want to talk about just Building healthy relationships so you can have really good
sex, like in general, like what are the top things that you reckon that you recommend for people to do in order to fix their relationships or start a relationship on a healthy page?
Karina Daves: yeah. So here's the thing. I totally understand that it takes two and I know that it takes your partner to [00:29:00] also semi be on board with the work that you're doing. So I recognize that. However, it doesn't. Necessarily have to start with two. So it takes two yes to finish, but it doesn't mean that it has to start with two, right?
Just like we're role models at work or with our children. We are also role models with our partners. And so what I always tell a lot of my clients and suggestions for anybody listening is that most of us can sit in a space of they don't care about me. How many times have we had that thought of they don't care about me.
Like they don't ask me how I'm doing. They don't ask me how my day was. They don't ask me if I'm eating today. Like they just don't care about me. And you sit in that, right? Every single time you watched him plan something for themselves, like a fantasy football league or something, and they don't plan a date night.
Like you're like, whatever you start thinking to yourself, like I've done this alone before I could do it again. And those are the thoughts that seep in And what happens is we stay in that offense and that resentment and i'm not saying that this relationship was meant to be Forever and that this is the one and [00:30:00] you should just try until it's healed But what I am saying is that you being in that offense is not Helping not just the relationship is not helping you.
And so what I offer my clients is to be curiosity seekers. When you are a curiosity seekers, you get the answers about your partner that you've been wanting to get for the last five years in just the first day. Like you start to get answers to questions and not why did you do that?
Like you have to literally leave your offense aside. So for
example,
i'll get i'll give you an example with my partner he grew up in a household where there may not have been, i'm latina. My husband's black latinos We're just like always affection like we're on top of each other.
It's just like a thing like we're very loud like we're kissy all the time And my husband didn't grow up that way, but he's also the black sheep and so for him, now that we have kids, he, as a parent is finding the bridge between what he had grown up with and what he wants to instill.[00:31:00]
And so as a parent, when I watch him do things, first of all, I don't ask him questions in front of the kids. Like I wait till we're alone. And second of all, I don't ask him questions as if he did anything wrong.
And that's where many of us come in. When your partner knows you, you'd be like, I wasn't mean, I'm not upset, but you know that you were like, you know that you were so like your partner is smart enough to know your tone.
So for example, I can say something like, oh my, my, my baby's name, one of the big baby's name is TJ. And I can be like, oh, so what was that interaction with TJ about? Like, how did that go? How did that come about? Maybe I walked into halfway the conversation and he will start explaining it to me.
Oh TJ said that Levi hit him and then this happened. And I would say oh, that's crazy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, TJ, I think sometimes things That we don't give him the benefit of doubt. Do you think we give him the benefit of doubt? You see how I'm not just saying TJ feels like you don't give, you don't give him the benefit of [00:32:00] doubt.
And so then he acts up instead. I said, TJ feels like we don't give him the benefit of doubt. So the household doesn't give him the benefit of doubt. How do you feel about that? What do you think? Do you think we do? And it's more of a. Team, then me versus you. There's so many ways that conversations can go when you just become a curiosity seeker versus stay in your offense.
I
Naseema: I love that curiosity seeker. And then girl, you hit the nail on the head talking about that tone. Cause I'm like, I am not
upset. I
just want to know right now.
Karina Daves: You upset.
Naseema: For real.
Karina Daves: I love this. This is so good. I love these questions.
Naseema: No, I don't. But I think that's amazing. And , I love your approach. It's very practical. I love how you're able to pull from. Real examples from your relationship on how you were able to navigate these [00:33:00] conversations. Because we need that, we need that. And we need someone that we're relatable to.
I feel like we're already besties, just like having this conversation. So I'm like, I'm definitely, I'm like, I'm listening. I'm a listen to Karina cause Karina said to do this. I'm listening to Karina cause Karina know what she's talking about. And that's my girl. Okay.
Karina Daves: Amen. Yes. and the other thing I want to offer, cause I know there's some people listening here and be like you don't understand I'm married to a jerk. I'm married to somebody that's a narcissist. I'm married to somebody that is verbally abusive. I hear you. I hear you if you've tried all of these taxes and it's not working.
I hear you But you know what you tried them and they're going to change you they may not change the relationship, right? I always say this to my couples. That I coach also which is listen You're here to do the work to grow you are either going to grow together or you are going to grow apart But you will still Grow and when you start to focus on the growth Rather than having that result of them changing and rather than having the result of them [00:34:00] Having to say something back to you because you did this good thing and you followed this framework or whatever Then it gets lost right?
I want you to just focus on your growth and changing you because something about this relationship messed with you, Something about this relationship mess with your head mess with your attitude mess with the decisions that you're making you to feel confused something About this relationship stirred something inside of you And I want to work with you to clear you back up to bring you back to life to resurrect the part of you That got lost in all of this junk right because there's something inside of you That's still gonna be knocking To do things that you feel like this world is you to do and that's the work that I do and I love it Yeah,
Naseema: that. I love that. And I was just having this conversation last night is that I recognize that I had been caught up in trying to make him understand how I saw things and that he should see things the same way. And like explaining that. And I was just like, but then the whole point was lost.
And I was just like, so I'll just let it go. Cause he was like, I noticed you changed your [00:35:00] stance on this. I was like, because. It wasn't affected and I just started focusing on like the positives and he was like, okay, I was like, I was like, I'm glad you noticed, but like those kinds of things I think we get caught up in those cycles instead of being caught up in all the positives and the way that you can love and build and grow together and so just I just love that you help people walk through that because I'm definitely gonna be listening girl because I need all the help I
Karina Daves: I got you. I got we'll work together. Don't worry. Nesima, you know what? I just thought about I just had a vision of like how what you said is so similar to your line of work as well, right? If one way of bringing the baby to life isn't working you just switch up.
Right. Like you figure another alternative way and it's a moment of immediate need.
Like you got, y'all got to figure it out. That's
how your relationship is. Y'all got these 10 minutes to figure this out or else the love is not going. But yeah, exactly. Exactly.
Yeah.
Naseema: Huh, yeah, that is, [00:36:00] I thank you for, for bringing up that correlation because it is true like those pivots are like
Karina Daves: Pivots.
Naseema: Those pivots are everything, we have to think on our toes. And so it's just yeah, I'm used to being like, okay, this ain't working. Head on, switch up. Let's go. I might not even have time to explain it to you, but this is what's going to happen real quick.
We'll have the conversation afterwards. We'll have a debrief afterwards, but yes. But if people want to work with you, if people want to get reach out and get your services, how can they get in contact with you?
Karina Daves: Okay, so I primarily live on Instagram and TikTok. My handle's Karina F as in Frank Dave's. And if you go to TikTok, just do not get involved with the comments. They're really spicy on TikTok. It's a whole different world there. Okay?
Naseema: People always got something to say girls, especially tiktok i'll be like, oh
Karina Daves: It's different.
Naseema: you guys need therapy
Karina Daves: It's different over there. So you can go to the link in my bios and just click the link to book a sales call. So we can talk about everything that's happened so far in your relationship, what you've tried and how I can help. You can also go to my website, [00:37:00] Kareenafdaves. com, and you can subscribe to my newsletter called release your relationship, where I basically send you weekly gems on how to release your partner and surrender your partner.
And I also have a podcast called relationships. You understand where I talk about all of this stuff, being a breadwinner, having difficult conversations, how to talk about your money. I actually recently did an episode that's called how more money will actually fix your marriage.
Naseema: That's it
Karina Daves: Yes.
Naseema: More money don't fix nothing. Okay
Karina Daves: Thank you. Thank you. Nacima. This was so much fun.
Naseema: This is, it was great. And like I said, it was just like me talking to one of my good friends. Cause obviously you are now.
Karina Daves: Yes. Yeah.
Naseema: so many takeaways, so many things that I feel like I can implement right away. But yeah, this is something that I have not been able to.
Have the words to have the conversations around and you just take things at face value okay I'm not, [00:38:00] he said, I'm not going to take your money. So then, we just leave it like that, but actually being able to have the tools to have those conversations and to do it in a way that they're productive.
and also, being able to tap into things and resources like prenups and all of that kind of stuff that help you create those. Couple money plans is great. So I really appreciate you. I know people will be tapping in with you and I'm just honored to be able to have met you. So
thank
you.
Karina Daves: Me too. Me too. Thank you. Thank you.
Hey there I’m Naseema
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