Getting on the Same Page as Your Partner Financially - Expert Edition Episode 25 (Classic Episode)
In this episode, Certified Financial Planner Leisa Peterson shares her insights on getting on the same page with your partner financially. Drawing from her personal experience and working with couples, she emphasizes the importance of open communication and regular conversations about money. Lisa discusses how aligning financial behaviors and beliefs can lead to a healthier relationship with money. She highlights the significance of expressing individual needs and expectations to avoid misunderstandings. Additionally, she advises setting goals together and regularly tracking progress as a way to foster a positive financial journey. Through relatable anecdotes and practical tips, this episode offers guidance for couples seeking to navigate money matters and strengthen their financial partnership.
Below is a summary of what topics we discuss:
Commingling money
Getting in alignment and finding common ground
Understand your and your partner’s money identity
Share what’s important to you, don’t expect your partner to read your mind
Tips on having money conversations
Creating annual, semi-annual, and quarterly goals
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TRANSCRIPT:
[00:00:00] Naseema: All right, nurses on fire. We are back with our wonderful certified financial planner, Lisa Peterson, and today we are going to be discussing getting on the same page with your partner financially. Hey, Lisa. Hello. All right, Lisa. I look to you as a role model because you are, you're just phenomenal in all kinds of ways, but you've been married for quite some time and I know that you've.
Along your just course of becoming a millionaire have gone through some financial ups and downs and your husband has been there with you, and I wanna know how you were able to successfully navigate money conversations and getting on the same page financially with your husband. So yeah,
[00:00:46] Leisa: start there.
Yeah, that's, it's a great place to start.
I was sharing recently and that you may have heard it, the fact that. When we first got together for many years until we had children, we kept our money separate and I was really focused on having lots of money and he wasn't so focused on it. So I did not feel like that was a good arrangement for us to co-mingle cuz I'm like, I'm gonna work a lot, I'm gonna.
Save a lot, then we'll keep it separate. But once we had children, I found how hard that was pretty fast. And we co-mingled and so we've been co-mingled. My daughter is about to turn 23, so for 23 years we have co-mingled our finances. However I think that part of looking back, I just want listeners and folks to, to understand that when you know that you are in alignment with somebody, that you have somewhat similar patterns of behavior with spending and saving.
It's going to be far different than when you enter a relationship. And you've got very, very different ways of being with money. And so for my husband and I, we were close enough, we were close enough that we could find common ground. And so maybe we just start the conversation there of if you don't, and, and I'll just share over the years I've worked with a lot of couples and.
They come to me because money's not working. it's not just because my specialty is, it's not just the dollar and cents, it's also there's something wrong, like maybe one partner suffering from depression or a lot of times, like I can think of one couple in particular. He had always supported the family and she was more stay-at-home mom.
And the problem was, was that he had been taught that money and his ability to pay for everything was part of his identity. And then the problem too was, was when money was coming in, he had his own business. Everything was awesome. They spent a lot of money. But when money was drying up or when there was hardship and he wasn't making the money, he collapsed.
Like for not being able to. Do what he was expecting himself to do. And then because there, there wasn't. She was used to just spending it, not necessarily saving it. And so all this stuff was bubbling up because all of a sudden they realized that not only did they have a money problem, they also had some beliefs inside that needed to be dealt with.
Because as long as he thought that the way that he was proving his love was through money, and then over here she actually had the reverse belief, which is, as long as you're giving me stuff, then you love me. That dynamic was blowing things up because once the money ran out, they felt what, what are we gonna do?
He felt bad. She felt bad, and, and I'm just explaining this because. I want people to know that if you are out, if sometimes we find partners because they're our greatest and hardest teachers, and so if they're struggling with one thing and you've got the mere belief on the opposite side, it can be really tough to get out of a problem and just pay attention to it.
You know, You may wanna read my book. You may wanna look into some of the things I teach because. It. It isn't as always as simple as we'd like. However, sometimes it's simple. One person spends more than the other person, and you really have to communicate about this, like you have to be comfortable sharing.
I. What's going on for you? Be self-aware enough about your own challenges with money and give voice to them and then also ask your partner to do the same. Hey, I get a lot of satisfaction. I feel better when I spend money. I am inspired when I spend money, speak, give voice to it, and then you'll probably hear your partner.
That's the case for you. Say. You, it stresses me out when you do that, right? I don't like it when you do that and then all of a sudden you've got this healthy conversation going on rather than default. avoid conflict at all costs or something. Does any of this make
[00:05:07] Naseema: sense? Yeah, it makes total sense, but I love how it all comes down to like our identity and who we are being and who we're showing up as, because that's what your money is gonna reflect, right? How you show up and that's how you spend your money. And so I like that, everything is brought back to that level and usually that's where the problem can be solved. So, so, yeah, it all makes sense. It all makes sense to just start there so you can start having that conversation and knowing it's not like Dave Ramsey always says oh, there's a spender, and then there's a saver.
But really it's whatever money stories that you grew up with and how that's played out in your adult life to form how you think about money. And so it's not always that straightforward, but once you recognize that and you're able to hone in on that, then you can start having honest conversations to get on the same page.
So yeah. I love it. Mm-hmm.
[00:06:00] Leisa: I think one of the, let's talk about presence for a second, because I think this is a very interesting conversation where and I see this come up over and over again. So for me, I used to get my parents spent too much on presence. Like they actually would get us into financial trouble because they felt like they needed to give, give, give what they didn't even have.
Okay. So I grew up from a place of giving gets you into trouble. There was a belief that it's like, When people are buying me gifts, I get worried did you spend too much? Like I'm very, I, I feel more comfortable just saying buying my own gifts. So my family knows that. They're like, if she wants something, she's gonna go get it, but she's not gonna wait for somebody else to buy it for her.
That's just me. But when you're in a partnership, And one person believes that love comes through gifts, and if you don't understand that or you haven't talked about it, even the person who feels like this is happening, you can imagine how you can get in a lot of trouble because you didn't buy me that gift.
You should have bought me that gift. Like I was waiting for you. First of all, never ever. Ever expect people to read your mind? You tell your partner, I love receiving gifts. In fact, I'll be really happy if you give me flowers once a month or whatever it is. Be vocal about that and then no problems.
But if you just wait for them to read your mind about something that makes you really, really happy, you are giving. You're, you're losing, you're diminishing your power to create the happiness you want, and just by sharing what's important to you and vice versa, the other person may be like, I get worried when I buy gifts all the time.
I feel like I'm wasting money. So all of a sudden, another great conversation opener.
[00:07:46] Naseema: Yeah, I really like that. I really like that. What really struck home to me was not expecting people to read your mind. And I think that's what we do on all aspects of relationships. Sometimes, like we don't speak up or sometimes we have the internal conversation so much we think we're saying it out loud, but we really don't.
And people just don't know what they don't know. And so giving someone the opportunity to actually know. What you like or, or what things set you off or what things, create like this kind of fear or resentment. I think that that's like super important and it's important to have those conversations.
So along those lines of just like speaking up and telling people and not expecting them to read your mind, what are some, if you were to give like a couple of tips. That every couple should follow. When it comes to having money conversations, what would that be?
[00:08:41] Leisa: First of all, communication.
Open, regular communication, and depending on how tight money is, the more. Common, those conversations to should take place. So if you are budgeting on a monthly basis to figure out how to pay for all your expenses, you should be having a conversation once a week with your partner about where are we?
What's going on? How can we make sure and make this work like that? I think the struggle is going to dictate how frequently you talk, but at a minimum, Once a month checking in and saying, Hey, who's, maybe dividing up roles and responsibilities, let's say. We've already set that up so we know I check and make sure that the bank account has enough money in it.
I'm making sure that these bills are paid. You're making sure that these bills are paid, like super crystal clear who's responsible for what? And how are we going to make sure there's an accountability process? And if there's any trust issues where somebody takes something on, but you actually don't trust that they're gonna do it, then you're gonna take that and own it yourself and say, Hey, it's gonna make me happy if I can go in, I'm gonna expect you to do it on this date, and I'm gonna go in the next day and make sure it's done.
Because until we do this for several months in a row, and I know it's all taken care of, I can't take that risk. Maybe someone's irresponsible. They're not the ones that should be assigned certain duties
[00:10:10] Naseema: I know that there are a lot of couples that come to me that are like having this awakening, right? Just like I, I, I know what it's like cuz I had this awakening like, oh my god These are things that I can implement right now in order to do better with my finances.
But to other people, they may see seem extreme. So it's like they're having this awakening and then their partner is just wait, but I thought we were okay. Because. We're normal, like we're not, broke or we're not in a really bad place financially, and I'm comfortable, so why should I be making these kind of adjustments?
And usually it's those conversations that are really hard to have because you know you're not struggling.
[00:10:50] Leisa: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yes, that's true. I think the other thing that even, I'm sort of reverse engineering because I've been doing this for so long, but one thing I could add to it is let's make sure that as part of that communication, we're both on the same page about what's the goal.
Have annual goals, have semi-annual goals, have quarterly goals and ways that you can both check in and be like, are we meeting the goal? Mm-hmm. How do we do, so if it's monthly or quarterly or whatever, like to look at the big picture. Hey, our net worth and you're tracking all of these things was, I love networks.
Net worth all the time. So net worth January one, net worth March 31st. It's an estimate, but we're like, we're going in the right direction, even though that didn't work out or that didn't work out, and my husband and I, we at any given moment might have four, five or more different investments, and I think you've got the same thing going on.
Happening in our lives. And so we like diversification because it's, it's yin and yang ebb and flow. One thing's doing great, another isn't. But keeping track of all of those things, it's super important that we both have our own ideas of the goals of what we're trying, what we're trying to achieve.
And then are we actually getting there and checking in on that? So those are happier, often, happier conversations than maybe the like budgeting ones that, finally, I did it for years and then several years ago, I will share this. My husband came to me and he said, I don't have any freaking clue what's going on with our money.
And and he is I am. That makes me really sad if you makes me feel kind of like emasculated. Like I don't you, you've taken it all on. And I was like, That was not my intention. I thought I was doing you a favor. I thought you didn't really like doing it. So I, because I just naturally do it. And I was like, you can take on whatever you want.
And he's oh. And I was like, you want to take stuff on? And he's yes. Aw. I was like, You can have it. Like I don't really want it actually. And so literally he has taken it on and oh my gosh, this is the best thing ever. Like he loves it. He loves, he's got everything set up, automatically checks in.
I'm sort of the big picture and he's the specifics and it works. But like it only happened in the past, three or four years after 30, th 30 years together. Yeah.
[00:13:24] Naseema: I think it's good to see that because it's an evolution. Like people think that things have to happen overnight and they don't. It takes time.
It takes time. Just like it takes time to really know your partner, right? It takes time to work through these money issues, and so I hope that gives people a little bit of relief to know that, even after some years, like it'll all work out. But it is important to be on the same page, and I think it's important.
I like to go back to the goals that you were talking about. A lot of times people just don't have collective goals, and I think that, we can, we can like jazz it up a little bit and say maybe dreams, right? You guys can dream together and put together a plan of what your best life would look like and then break that apart into little, goals.
That you can meet to get there. And I think that, yeah, that is a much sexier conversation than just line by line going through the budget. Because even though I love it, I love looking at my budget, I love nerding out. I know what, what's gonna get my partner motivated. It's. Seeing how much money this can bring in and how much we don't have to work later.
And so he's not gonna, he's not the nickel and dimer I am. And so, just understanding, and I like how you mentioned like he's really into the details and you are really into the big picture. And so just finding each other's strength. But yeah, all good information and I think, yeah, it should give people hope that.
They can do it. It is possible and it, it may take some time, but I think that getting on the same page with your partner financially is one of the things one of those pillars of financial freedom one of the steps, like getting there, I feel like lifts some weight off your shoulders cuz you, you're not doing it alone.
And when you're not doing things alone, you know that you can reach your goals exponentially faster. And so, Yeah, I think that these were some good stories.
[00:15:23] Leisa: Yeah. We remember the stories more than we do that. Oh, do this and do that
[00:15:29] Naseema: and do this. Mm-hmm. So, yeah. And that's how I like to share because I feel like it makes it more relatable and people can see themselves in stories.
And so, I know people will take away some good stuff from this, and I appreciate you as always, Lisa. Thank you. Thank you
[00:15:42] Leisa: everybody.
Hey there I’m Naseema
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